Back on DS9
Wesley Crusher, former Traveller with a capital T, has somehow found
his way to Ops.
He's depressed,drunk and not paying attention to what he's doing.
He's standing at the nav. station.
Wesley: Many moons ago, I used to sit at such a station. I used to be the best pilot they had.
Especially in the Academy. Oh.. wait.. I was held back a year for that.
But I'm not in the Academy now! I can do whatever the hell I want!
I'm gonna do that
right now.
Wesley starts fiddling with the navigational controls.
No one notices or cares.
Somehow he ends up sending DS9 hurtling out of control.
Ok.
Picture this.
DS9 hits the time rift, travelling back to the 23rd century, and also
happens to travel to an alternate dimension. DS9, still hurtling
out of control, snags Babylon 5 with one of it's docking pylons.
Security, a la Odo, finally realised what was going on, having eliminated
all other possibilities.
These included: Cardassians, Bajoran Terrorists,
An Anomaly in the Space-Time Continuum, The Maquis, The Borg, The Dominion,
The Founders w/o The Dominion, Renegade Jem Hadaar, Normal Jem Hadaar,
Renegade Founders, Renegade Borg, Renegade Q, Renegade Cardassians, Unknown
Aliens From The Gamma Quadrant who are Hunted For Sport, Time Travellers,
Unknown Aliens, and Q. (Who, by the way, is still stuck on Voyager crashing
w/ everyone else).
They arrest Wesley, see Bill disappear, and do a
U-Turn in space, with Babylon 5 in tow.
They then go BACK through the time rift, and end up back in their own
dimension, but they are now falling at tremendous speeds towards the unknown
planet, being caught in the unknown planet's gravitational field, with
Babylon 5 in tow.
Have fun reading that?
Bill has resumed falling.
Cut to field on Unknown Planet.
Maxx is sitting in the sun, because that's what Maxx does, in the Outback, and starts one of his god damn monologues.
Maxx: Huh? Big metal thingys. It is sure an early of the sorceror demon Mr. Gone, the man who drives my leopard queen insane. I can feel the hot sun on my back, my mane struggles in the hot dry wind. I can smell the land, the odd smell of sugar cane and corn. Hunger. Is. Maxx shall chase the Is. I run. Long... Hard... I catch the Is. Huge metal monsters gleaming in the sun of the Outback! The earth is shaking. Huge metal monsters have fallen from the sky.
Yes.
The ships have crashed.
Bill has fallen to the planet's surface, floating gently down like
a feather.
The stations have also crashed.
Picard decides to send out an away team.
Using the transporters.
Away Team beams to field.
Cmdr. Riker: I always lead the Away Teams!
Maxx: I must warn the Jungle Queen!
Ens. Cannon-Fodder: You're not telling anyone, buddy.
Maxx: Damn! I was talking out loud again.
Oops. Sorry?
Cut to main camp.
Seeing as how all the ships and stations have crashed miraculously in the same spot, the three Federation captains have gotten together to discuss things.
Everyone has exited the various ships and stations.
That's over a quarter of a million people!
Picard cups his hands together and shouts: Is everyone alright?!
No one notices, and half of them don't care..
Data goes over to Picard and hands him a bullhorn: Sir? Perhaps
this would be more effective?
Picard: Thank you, Data.
Picard shouts out using bullhorn: Is everyone alright?!?!!?
If you are injured and able to walk please go over there. (Points to triage
centre setup by anyone who's taken at least basic first aid and is relatively
uninjured. These include: Dr. Crusher, Dr. Bashir, The Doctor, Dr.
Franklin, Dr. Pulaski, Dr. McCoy (*Not* Bones. He's Beast.) and Dr. MacTaggart)
The injured who can walk go over there in a mad rush, stampeding and running over those who can't.
President Sheridan, Captain Lochley and Commander Ivanova walk up to the Federation captains.
Sheridan: Captain.. Pickhard, isn't it?
Picard: That's Picard. It's French.
I was born and raised in France.
Sheridan: Then why do you have an English accent?
Picard: Damnit, man! This is neither the time
nor the place!
Janeway: Who are you and what the hell are you doing
on my planet?!
Every single person there: YOUR planet?!!!
Who the HELL are you, anyways?
7 of 9: One consciousness. I feel as if I were again with
the Borg.
Every Federation Person there: The BORG?!
Oh my god!
Sisko: The Federation respects all religions.
How *dare* you promote Christianity over all others?
Picard: I don't think this is either the time or
the place for such a discussion.
Sheridan: Ahem. Cpt. Picard?
Picard: Ensign?
Sheridan: I'm the president of basically the whole galazy!!
Don't talk to me like that!
Picard: The Federation has moved beyond presidents.
Ivanova: And that means what, exactly?
Janeway: It means that we're oh so much more civilized than
you.
Sheridan: Look, we just want to talk with you. Is
that possible?
The 3 Federation captains look at each other.
Picard: Certainly. If you'll excuse us for a few minutes,
though, we have something to discuss.
The 3 Federation captains move over to the other side of the camp and
resume their discussion.
Sheridan waits for quite some time.
Lochley: Doesn't look like they'll be back anytime soon.
Ivanova: What a bunch of snobby, egotistic, assholes!!
Cut to 3 Federation captains.
Picard: So, anyways, the meaning of life is-
Picard is cut off as Legion dances by them. He stops in front of them and does a couple of pirouettes, takes a bow, and continues on his way, all the while humming Tchaikovsky's Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairies.
Janeway: So.. what's the meaning of life?
Picard: Well, the meaning of life is-
Picard is cut off as a delegation from, well, everyone else shows up and demands to speak to them.
This delegation is composed of: Matrix, AndrAIa, Goliath, Cyclops, Cable, Nightcrawler, Forge, Lynch, Banshee, Sheridan, Delenn, Ivanova, Marcus, Lochley, Hudson, Chamber, Penance, M, Rogue, Brooklyn, Bronx, Lexington, Wildchild, Colossus, Domino, Frisket, Legion (the dancing, babbling, idiot), Demona, Grunge, Roxy, Rainmaker, and Wolverine, to name a few. (Less than, say, .099%)
They all strike dramatic poses.
Delenn: Is there anything you'd like to share with the
rest of us?
Sisko: Yes. Picard says he knows the meaning of
life.
Picard: For the 3rd time, the meaning of life is-
Picard is cut off as Bronx starts humping his leg.
Picard: Number One!
Bronx pees on his leg.
Grunge: Well, you asked for number one.
Dot: Is that all?
Janeway: No. What's the meaning of life?
Picard:The meaning of life is-
Wolverine cuts him off
Wolverine: I've been alive for over a hundred years, and I've
never found the meaning of life, bub.
Picard: Damnit! I want to tell you that the meaning of
life is-
Franklin Richards comes out crying.
Franklin: The big ugly bald guy swore and yelled.
Q: What makes you think you know the meaning of life, mon
capitaine?
Picard and Sisko: Q!!
Picard: You're the one behind this!
Matrix runs to the front of the group.
Matrix: We live for the One. We die for the One.
Marcus: Since when are you a Ranger?
Matrix: I live for the One, I die for the One.
Marcus: You're not a Ranger.
Torres: Bill isn't here! You don't have to live and die
for him right now!
Marcus: Who's Bill?
Matrix: Bill is the One.
Sheridan: You know, that's funny, 'cause Zathras told
me I was the One who will be.
Marcus: Yes, and Delenn is the One who is. So who's
this Bill chraracter? Is he the reincarnation of Valen?
Delenn: Valen never died. He went beyond.
Marcus: Ok. So he isn't Valen. Then who is
he?
Torres: Valen? Valen was here, arguing with Bill over
who is the One.
Delenn and Marcus: Valen was here?!
Valen walks up.
Valen: I am here. I am the One. Well.. the One who was.
Bill appears with Mulder, Scully, and the MIB in tow.
Bill(in thunderous voice mode): I am the One, heathens!
Troi walks up to them.
Troi: Perhaps we can settle this dispute another way?
Valen: There's no dispute. All of us, the three
of us, are the One. He's an imposter.
Bill(in thunderous voice mode): I am he!
Scully: Look, I don't care who the One is. I just
want to get back to my apartment.
Mulder: Yes. We want to get back to her apartment.
There's a dead silence as everyone looks at Mulder.
Mulder: Er.... *our* apartements with a lower case s.
Picard: Anyways, getting back on topic here, the meaning of life is-
Picard is cut off as K takes out his neuralizer thingy.
Yes, K the MIB agent guy.
K: If you want to know the meaning of life, look into this red light.
Picard: The meaning of life is *not* a red light.
Rainmaker: Well, we've eliminated one possibility.
Zaphod Beeblebrox, the President of the Universe with two heads, makes a cameo appearance.
Zaphod: Monkey man knows what the meaning of life is.
Arthur Dent aka Monkey man: The meaning of life is.. wait..
I know this.. er.. knew this. Anyone have a game of Scrabble handy?
Husk: Sure, Scrabble, okay, but don't play with Skin 'cause
he'll spell something ridiculous like "Bxlomrmlezq".
Arthur Dent and Zaphod Beeblebrox disappear as quickly as they appeared.
Picard: So, once again, the meaning of life is-
Legion makes his way to the front of the group dressed in a pink tutu with a frilly apron and a diamond-crusted tiara.
Legion: Cookies!
Picard: No, the meaning of life is-
Legion: Dancing!
Picard: No. The meaning of life is-
Legion: Time travel!
Picard: No! THE MEANING OF LIFE IS-
There is dead silence as everyone awaits the answer.
Legion: COOKIES!
Picard: Would someone please get him out of here?
Riker and his away team, which includes Ens. Cannon-Fodder, beam in.
Picard: Ensign Cannon-Fodder! Remove the babbling idiot!
Ens. C-F: Yes, sir!
Walks up to Legion.
Ens. C-F: Come with us, sir.
Legion: Cookie?
Holds out the tray to him
Ens. C-F: Are they poisoned?
Legion: Ye.. No!! No.
Ens. C-F: O.K. I'll have one then.
He takes a cookie from the tray Legion is holding and eats it.
Legion: No don't eat that! That's a bomb!
Ens. C-F: I need a drink! (starts gasping for air)
He takes a drink from a glass of water from the tray
Legion: No! Don't drink that! That's sulphuric acid.
Ens. C-F collapses and dies.
Legion: Haha! I was lying! That wasn't a bomb! Hahahahaahaahahahahahahahahaahahaho!
The corpse explodes.
Legion: Oh... maybe I wasn't. Oh well. Tralalalalalala.
He skips away
Picard: Number One. Thank god.
Sisko: Stop promoting Christianity over all other religions.
Riker: We found this creature out by the crash site. He was
going to report us to someone called the Jungle Queen.
Picard: So, you arrested him? Is that what the Federation
has come to?
Riker: Well.. sir.. I believed...
Picard: You did well Cmdr. Riker. I'm giving you a promotion.
Riker: Sir.. how can you? I'm already a Commander.
I can't become Captain.
Picard: Damnit, man! Don't contradict me!
Cut to triage centre
Skin: Must...... get..... ....... better...Hafta....Hafta watch......South
Park....
M: Angelo. You've only got a scratch. You're alright.
Skin: Si?
M *Sigh*Yes Angelo.
Skin: COOL!! (runs out of triage center)
Cut back to conference
Picard: Ok. The meaning of life is-
Cut to commercial
That same announcer guy who's like everywhere but we like don't know
his name: You've seen Cats. You've seen Les Miserables.
You've seen Phantom Of The Opera. You better've seen Mack and Mabel.
You've even seen The Wizard Of Oz. But you've never seen Wizard of
Oz quite like this.
Bill does Wizard Of Oz!!
Roxanne Spaulding as: The Wicked Witch of the West.
Maxx as: The Wicked Witch of the East.
Grunge as: The Cowardly Lion
Data as: The Tin Man
Jonothon Starsmore as: The Scarecrow
The Gargoyles as: The Flying Monkeys
Wolverine as: Toto
Fox Mulder as: Uncle Henry
Dana Scully as: Auntie Em
Seven Of Nine as: Dorothy
Jeffrey Sinclair aka Valen as: The Wizard Of Oz.
Trevor Goodchild as: The Mayor of Munchkin Land
Dot Matrix as: Glenda
Coming soon to a high school theatre near you.
Tickets are outrageously high at $9.00/adult, $5.00/child
Back to Bill
The crowd is dispersing.
You hear people talking to each other: Oh, of course.
THAT'S the meaning of life. It makes total sense. Everything
has become clear. My life is fulfilled.
Cut to camp where a crowd has gathered round a strange car.
X-tra1: What is it?
X-tra2: I don't know.It just crashed and-
Car opens and the crowd murmurs. Silence. Trevor Goodchild and
Aeon Flux tumble out of the car fighting.
Trevor: I said 'Lotsa luck' not 'Lotsa fu-..'
Aeon punches Trevor in the face before he finishes the sentence. They
looked around.
Aeon: Where are we?
A doll,rocking horse and a jack-in-the box enter and sing
Toys: We're on the island of misfit toys...
Demona uses Phoenix Gate to teleport toys away.
Mulder: Agents Mulder n' Scully, FBI. We don't know where we
are but I think the people behind it have my sister.
Aeon:???
Cut to forest
Waspinator: (Buzz) It is Maximal stasis pod.
Tarantulas: We must find it a life form befor it's spark goes
out.
Stasis pod: Loss of spark in 2 cycles.
Waspinator and Tarantulas shot by Rinox,Cheetor, Rattrap and Dinobot.
Rinox: Get the pod!
Cheetor: Right
Cut to Maxamal base.
Rinox: Meet the newest member of our team.
Enter a white wolf.
Wolfsbane: Wolfsbane Maxamize!
Rinox: She has an energy sword,wrist laser,an anti-grav chip,retractible
arm blades and a hightened resistance to energon.
Cheetor: And what sexy circuits.
Wolfsbane tackles + pins Cheetor,sword at his throat.
Rinox: Careful Cheetor. The wolf her DNA was taken from was
rabid. She's dangerous and unpridicatble.
Rattrap: Great! A pred wannabe!
Optimus: Let's just hope she doesn't learn about them until
she's ready.
Wolfsbane: I am ready. I've alredy accessed your computer files
on the Predicons. Megatron sounds...fun.
Rattrap: We're all gonna die.
Dinobot: Shut up,Vermin.
Wolfsbane: I'm going on patrol.
AirRazor: But-
Wolfsbane pulls out lazer oozie and aims at AirRazor.
Wolfsbane:(Flatly) Don't try to stop me. *Exits*
Cut to Janway's quarters. She's fiddling with one of those sceen-com unit things.
Janeway: This is Capitan Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. We are stranded on an alien planet. We need assistence. Repeat. This is Capitan Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyeger. We are stranded on an alien planet. We need assistence.
Gen 13 (Teenage super-heroes), Gen X (More teenage super-heroes), Maxx(Who knows) and The trio(Broadway, Lexington and Brooklyn (Gargoyles) ) run into the room. Monet (Gen. X) is playing with the com thingy and gets channel 3.
Grunge (Gen 13): Hurry! It's starting!
M (Monet): almost....There!
TV: Oh my God! They've killed Kenny! You Bastards!
All sigh with relief
Janeway: What the hell are you doing here?
Skin(Gen.X): Watchin' "South Park" Sinora
Janeway: Excuse me?
Skin (Angelo): Oh,sorry *Stands & Salutes* Capitan Sinora
SIR! *Sits. Tries not to laugh*
Door opens and X-Men enter
Cyclops: There he is! Get 'em!
Lex: Oh no! Not again!
X-Men & Lex exit
Janeway: In my day we never talked to adults that way.
Kat (Gen. 13): However, if we really are in the future, we would
be your ancestors, therefore we are older
M: Contrary, if we are here. We'er the next generation so we
are your future not your past.
Roxy (Gen. 13): So,it's our day,not yours. So we can say whatever
the Hell we want!
Grunge: So be nice babe!
Skin: Capitan Senora SIR!
Cut to main camp
All the main leaders(read delegation) are sitting at a table, discussing the terms of a treaty.
Picard: So, we're agreed?
Marcus: No! Bill is not the One! And
Matrix isn't a Ranger!
Matrix: Then how does one become a Ranger?
Marcus: Well.. you have to-
Tune in next week or whenever for the next exciting episode of The Great Bill Saga!