The Great Bill Saga Part II
    The Truth Is Out There
 

Previously on the Great Bill Saga
 Read it yourself!

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Bill:  About time you shut up!

 P.S.  This is rated somewhere between PG & R.

The ships are crashing.  Bill, in typical Bill fashion, reacts by running around on both ships screaming "Oh shit! We're all gonna die!".  He then opens an airlock on Voyager and jumps out, falling in the cold darkness of space.

Bill: Do you mind?!  That part's rather... unessential.  And it's NOT typical Bill fashion!

Legion, our resident babbling idiot, is skipping, wearing a pink tutu, and humming Tchaikovsky's "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies."

(Click here to see it!)

Bill is still falling

Back in the LATE 20th Century

Cut to FBI headquarters
0100h
(They better raise my pay for this)
 

 Scully: Mulder, do you know what time it is?
 Mulder: I know, but I have to ask you something.
 Scully: What?
 Mulder: Will... Will.. (His hands are shaking, as is the coffee pot he's holding)
 Scully: Will?  Will I what?
 Mulder: Will you marry me?
 Scully: WHAT?!
 Mulder:  What?  All I asked was do you have any coffee?
 Scully: That's NOT what you said
 Mulder:  What did you think I said?
 Scully: Look, I know what -
 A thunderous voice: SILENCE!!
 Mulder:  Who said that?
 Same thunderous voice: Shut up, Caffeine Boy!
 Scully:  What's he saying, Mulder?  Have you been drinking coffee all night?
 Mulder: Well....  not.. *all* night. (He tries to hide the many used coffee filters on his desk)
 Scully: I will not marry a caffeine addict.
 Mulder: Ah ha!  So you *did* hear my question!
 Scully:  Ah ha! So you  *did* ask me to marry you! (imitating Mulder)
 Mulder: Well.. not exactly...
 Scully: Yes you did. You expect an answer at 1:30 in the morning?
 Mulder: Perhaps after I sing you this song.
 Scully: But.. I mean it. Don't SING-
 Mulder starts "singing" Men In Black.
 Same thunderous voice:  In the name of Bill I silence you!
 Mulder: Bill who? Bill Gates?
 Scully: William Shatner?
 Mulder: Bill Clinton?
 Scully: William Thomas Riker?
 Mulder: Will Smith?
 Scully: William Desmond Taylor?
 Mulder: William Shakespeare?
 Thunderous voice: Bill is the One.
 Scully: Oh! So he's Bruce Boxleitner!
 Mulder: Who?
 Scully: The guy who plays Cpt... er.. sorry, President (mock salute) Sheridan.
 Thunderous voice: I will show you Bill,  you heathens.
 Bill appears.  He's around 5'5.
 Mulder:  My god, who the hell are you?
 Bill: I'm Bill, Caffeine Boy. (Same voice as the thunderous voice)
 Scully: You're that voice.
 Mulder: That thunderous voice.
 Bill (In thunderous voice mode): I am he!
 Bill: Follow me.
 Mulder: Let's follow him, Scully.  He may be Samantha.
 Bill: I am not Samantha.  I am the One.
 Mulder: Scully, he might be the One.
 Bill: I *am* the One!!  Get that through your thick heads!
 Mulder: Scully, I think he's the One.
 Scully: Mulder, shut up!
 

 Cut to a clearing in a suspiciously Vancouver-like forest. ( I *know*, they moved... but.. still.. they'll be back!)

 Mulder: Cool!  Look at that!
 Scully: Oh my god!  That's a..... jump gate!  Mulder..
 Mulder:  The truth is out there, Scully.
 Scully: Mulder...  do we get double overtime for this?
 Mulder (ignores her): I've always wanted to stick my head in one of these things. (Points to jump gate.)
 Scully:  Mulder.. I don't think that's such a good idea.
 Mulder ignores her yet again, and sticks his head in the jump gate.
 Bill pulls him out.
 Bill: Come with me.
 Mulder: Yay! We're playing "Follow the Leader!"
 Scully rolls her eyes and follows Mulder, who's eagerly copying every move Bill makes.

Cut to ext. shot of a movie theatre.

Scully: Mulder, where are we?
Mulder: I don't know Scully.  Maybe Bill knows.  He might be the One.
Bill(rolls his eyes): Don't you know a movie theatre when you see one?
Mulder: Oh!  Why are we here?
Bill: They're showing a quadruple (sp?) feature tonight for $2.
Scully:  That's nice, but we don't have any money.  Mulder spent his on coffee, and I'm not in the habit of bringing money with me at 3 in the morning.
Bill: I am the One.  I will pay.
Scully: Okay.. whatever. (shrugs)
He pulls out three odd shaped discs.
Mulder: What's that?! Is it an alien communication device?!
Bill: It's a Canadian two dollar coin (twonie).
They stare at it in awe.
Bill hands one each to Mulder and Scully.
Still in shock, they pay and enter the theatre.
Mulder: This theatre is strangely full for 3 a.m.
Scully: Does this warrant an F.B.I. investigation?
Mulder: Probably.  But who cares?  Do you know where I can get some coffee?
Mulder makes a beeline for the coffee machine, finds out he's banned.
Mulder(This is a lie..): They were all out of coffee.. so I smuggled some beer in instead.
Scully: Mulder, you *left* the theatre to go buy beer and came back in 3 mins?
Mulder: Well... maybe.. not.. exactly...
Scully looks at him suspiciously as he takes his seat

The first movie is Air Force One

Bill: You have beer!!!  Gimme some!
Scully: NOT SO LOUD YOU BASTARDS!
Everyone turns to stare at Scully.
She holds up her badge:  F.B.I.  This is official business.  I can scream "Not so loud you bastards!" if I want to.
Mulder hands Bill 1/2 of the 6-pack he smuggled in.
During the previews they start guzzling them down.
They have now drunken 12 cans each.
(I know it *was* a six-pack.. but Bill likes his beer.)
The results vary.
Bill, being the One, is not drunk.  Mulder, on the other hand, not being the One, is very drunk.  And he mistakes Bill, the One by the way, for Scully.  He tries his hardest to get "Scully" to marry him.
When he realises his mistake he blushes and him and Bill start belching the theme of the X-Files.

During the movie, when the President's plane is hijacked, Mulder pulls out his gun, as he's now totally  loaded, and screams: "F.B.I!  Everyone on the ground! Now!  I have a GUN people! Listen to me!" Everyone screams and runs for the nearest exit.  Everyone except our three heroes.
He fires a coupla rounds into the projection booth, only to discover no one's there.

 Mulder: Scully!
 Scully: Mulder!  No one's there!
 Mulder: That's just what I was getting at.  I bet they know where my sister is.
 Scully: Mulder, just sit down, shut up, and watch the other 3 movies, ok?

Bill shakes his head, and says: I'm getting some popcorn.
 Scully: But no one's there.
 Bill: Exactly.
 

Bill exits the theatre and is just about to get himself some popcorn when his pager starts beeping.
 Bill: Damn!  Why the hell did that... idiot pick now?  Still... I've been looking forward to this...
Bill snaps his fingers, a la Q, and disappears.

Cut to ext. shot of DS9 station.

Cut to Quark's Bar.

Welsey Crusher, Traveller (who we won't dignify with a link), appears in Quark's Bar.
(Or proper grammer.) <-- See above
He strikes a dramatic pose!
 

No one notices.
Or else no one cares.
Actually.. it's a bit of both.

  Wesley: Ahem!

No one notices or cares.

Wesley messes with the laws of probability and everyone wins at Dabo.

No one notices or cares about Wesley, but they're all cheering and Quark's freaking out.

Bill has been watching Wesley Crusher for some time, with amusement.
Bill walks up to a sulking Wesley.
 Bill: Excuse me.  You have something I want.
 Wesley: Excuse me, but I'm a Traveller.  You can't take anything away from me.  Not even my teddy bear.
 Bill: Let's all point and laugh at the wimp.
 Wesley: Who you talking to?
 Bill: Everyone and everything who's ever lived.
 Wesley: Huh?  How can you do that?
 Bill: I am the One!
 Wesley: Huh? The one what?
 Bill: Not the one, the One.  Capital "o".
 Wesley. Ohhh..
 Bill: No, not ohh, "o".  And you called yourself the Mozart of science.
 Wesley: I did?
 Bill:  I will show you, young traveller.
 Welsey: That's Traveller. Capital T.
 Bill: I am the One!  Never underestimate the power of the One.
 
Matrix appears, pushes Wesley out of the way, walks up to Bill: We live for the One.  We die for the One.
Matrix walks across the set and leaves.
 
Wesley gets up slowly and painfully:  That bastard!  That brute!
 Bill looks at Wesley oddly: Let's all point and laugh at the wimp.
 Wesley: People. Audience. Please. Help. Me. If you believe in me, clap your hands children!
 
The stakes in Quark's are high as everyone is betting on Wesley, for some odd, Quark-influenced, reason.

 Bill (in thunderous voice mode):  This has gone on long enough, traveller with a lower-case t.
Wesley starts shaking, trembling, pissing his pants, crying for his mommy etc..
Bill smiles, snaps his fingers, and walks away.
 Wesley:  That's IT?!  You.. coward!
 Bill: I took away your traveller powers. (With a lower case t).
 Wesley: Did not.
 Bill: Did too.
 Wesley: Did not.
  Bill: Did too.
 Wesley: Did not...  no, wait.. you did.  Damn.

 Worf:  You lied to me.  You said you had a great destiny.  They said you were to be a Traveller. (With a upper-case T).  My honour demands vengeance.
Picks up a Bat'leth that just happened to be sitting on the floor.
Wesley starts trembling.
Dramatic music is being played from the people in the orchestra pit, who are NOT dressed all in black, no matter what anyone says.

Cut to commercial:

That announcer guy who's.. like.. everywhere but we like don't know his name: Tonight, on the Fox Tuesday Night Movie.
His dad, dead.  Betrayed by his idol.  His mom, with another child.
He used to be a genius, but he was betrayed by the one person he trusted.
A witty, keen child once.. but not anymore.

See clips of previous scene.. with that same announcer guy that we like don't know the name of, but he's like everywhere, doing a voice-over:  Wesely Crusher as Wesley Crusher.  His Mom as His Mom. Bill as Well, like, Bill. Duh!
 See.. I can talk valley too!
Ahem...  sorry..
In a world premiere movie.
IQ Floundered!
Tonight @ 8.
Brought to you by Apple Computers, Marvel Comics, and Subway.

Return to dramatic scene

Wesley is practicing his dramatic poses.
Director: Hey!  We're on!
Wesley and Worf return to previous positions.
Orchestra finishes tuning and starts up dramatic music again.
Worf is holding the Bat'leth.
 Wesley: Don't kill me!
 Worf: To kill you would dishonour my family and bring shame and sorrow to the Empire.
 Wesley: I'm that important?
 Worf: You're that much of a wuss.
 Worf looks at Bat'leth: Who left this out here? Someone could have stepped on it!
 

 For those who don't know, a Bat'leth is a three-ponged two-handed Klingon sword thing.

Cut to Earth, 24th Century.

We see Aeon in her "Motorcycle-car" thingy, crossing the border from Monica to Bringna. She arrives under Chairman Trevor Goodchild's house.  She plants explosives in an attempt to blow up his basement.
She runs back to her "Motorcycle-car" thingy and finds Trevor Goodchild sitting inside, looking very smug.
 Aeon: How did you get here?
 Trevor: I was in the neighbourhood.
 Aeon: Not funny, Trevor.  This place is s'posed to blow in 20 secs.
 Trevor:  And I'm supposed to be there, I take it?
 Aeon: That's the basic idea.  Look, we must get out of here.  I rigged this place to blow up.
 Trevor: Funny.  When you blew me I never went up.
Aeon jumps into the car and starts beating the crap out of Trevor.  During the rather one-sided battle, Trevor's foor hits a button and the car turns into a rocket and blasts off into space, right before the house explodes by the way.

Guess where they're gonna end up.

Send your guesses to the  WebMaster
Send your complaints to the brick wall over there.
No.. send 'em to the WebMaster...  but NO SPAMMING!!
 

Onto Part 3