Seven of Nine:  Captain!  I refuse to do this role!  I am not a child!
Janeway:  Seven, I understand, but you're holding up production.
Director Phong:  You are holding up production!  Scoot!  Scoot!
He starts pushing her and accidently pushes her into the orchestra pit.
The floor beneath conductor TigaTron opens and up and he and Seven fall into the seven layers of Hell.
Q: SEVVIE!!!!!!!!!!!  WAIT FOR ME!!!

He jumps in after her.

The floor closes.
The same announcer guy who's like everywhere but we like don't know his name:   Due to technical difficulties, the part of Dorothy Gayle, previously played by Seven of Nine, will be played by Ms. Aeon Flux.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bill proudly presents "A Wizard Of Oz Musical Experience On Ice In A High School Theatre Near You."
Tada.

The orchestra starts the overture, the conducter having been replaced by Legion.

The curtains open.

Aeon Flux comes "skipping" out to the centre of the ice rink, talking to herself  'bout how cool it would be if she were in another land.

Aeon  as Dorothy:  Oh, Toto.  Would it not be interesting if we existed in another land, somewhere over the rainbow?
Wolverine as Toto: Woof

Dorothy starts singing Somewhere Over The Rainbow.

She continues on in this fashion for quite some time.

Dorothy: Oh, Toto, I do not believe that will ever happen.

Scully as Auntie Em:  The FBI has reported strange weather patterns at the nearest farm.  Not in Vancouver, not at all.
Mulder as Uncle Henry:  Scully.. er.. Emily, should we investigate?
Auntie Em: Mulder.. er.. Henry, I don't think we should bother.
Auntie Em and Uncle Henry start preparing the storm shelter.

Toto: Woof.
Dorothy: Oh, my....God! TOTO!! If you've hurt him,Trevor! I'll-
Chamber(off stage): Wot th' bloody 'ell is she doin'?

Brooklyn shrugs

Dorothy: What are you doing?
Toto: What does it look like I'm doing? The script said I had to take a piss in the old crippled lady's garden.
Who (Coincidentially) looks like Freefall.

Roxy as the old lady who looks like the Wicked witch of the West: GET THE DAMN DOG OUT OF MY GARDEN!!!

Dorothy: K.
Old Lady: Wolver..uhh..Toto was in my garden again, so I've called Social Services on him.  I have an order here from Social Services to take him away and place him in a foster home.
Dorothy: No..Please! I'll castrate him! I promise!
Toto: I'd like to see ya' try! (Claws pop out of his knuckles)

Dorothy: We should get home Toto. I believe a twister is coming.

Dorothy skips home on Ice.

Dorothy: Aunty Em? Uncle Henry? Is anyone home?

Toto locks himself in the bathroom and starts reading the newspaper.

Dorothy knocks on the door

Toto: Go away kid! I never got to finish my business in the bat's yard! I need to pooh.
Skin(in audience): Yeah, go Mr. Hanky!!!
 

The house levitates 2  feet of the ground and spins around.

Toto: Woof.

Dorothy sees Roxy flying outside of her window. Roxy turns green and cackles and grows a big nose with lots of warts.

Toto, finally realising something is wrong, steps out of the bathroom with a piece of dirty toilet paper hanging out of his shorts. He licks himself clean  like a dog.

The house crashes.

Everything becomes 30's technicolor.

Toto and Dorothy step outside.

Dorothy: I do not believe we exist in the state of Kansas on the planet Earth anymore.
Toto: We were never in Kansas, darlin'.
Toto: I mean, um, woof.  Tell me again why I'm doing this?
Phong: For the sake of the children.
Toto: hOk, old robot man.

She looks around at all the technicolour flowers.  She bends down to smell one, and sneezes.

Dorothy: Damn flowers!  This wasn't in the script!
Phong: Yes, it was.   Continue!  The story must go on!

Outta nowhere, a huge glowing green orb appears.
Dot Matrix as Glenda steps out of the orb.

Glenda:  Tell me, are you a good bitch er..  witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: Who, me?  I'm not a witch at all.  I'm Aeo.. er Dorothy Gayle from Kansas.
Toto: I told you, we were never in Kansas!
Glenda: Is your dog a witch?
Toto: Back off, lady.
Dorothy: I think he just answered that.
Glenda: You squashed the Wicked Witch of the East.  The munchkins are happy.
Dorothy: To whom are you referring?
Glenda: The munchkins.  Just pretend.

The mayor of Munchkinland walks out

Trevor Goodchild as The Mayor Of Munchkinland: We...We um, wel...higher...We welcom...no! Higher! To the left...yeah...We welcome you to Munchkinla-- GODDAMNIT! HOLD THOSE CUECARDS HIGHER!....We welcome you to Munchkinland.  I said it!"

Dorothy: Trevor!  You bastard!  You should be dead!!
Mayor of Munchkinland: You mean, when you blew m-

Dorothy attacks him, and they fall into the orchestra pit.

Quark is taking bets.

Picard: Damnit man!  I never should have allowed this!
Riker: Since when are you in command?
Picard: That's right.  I promoted you to Captain.
Riker: Sir, I told you.  I can't be Captain.  You already are.  It's not your decision, it's Starfleet Headquarters'.
Picard: Darn you, man!  Don't contradict me!

Toto bets $200, using his Mastercard, on Ae- Dorothy.

Legion looks back and forth between his baton and the conductor's score.  He cuts off the strings, and has them start playing Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairies.

The rest of the orchestra is either playing what they're supposed to or fleeing for their lives.
Take your pick.

Director Phong peers over the edge down into the orchestra pit.

Phong: Hurry!  The crowd is beginning to disperse.  The children are crying.  You are holding up production!!  The show must go on!
Dorothy climbs back out and Trevor exits.

Dorothy meets the munchkins and they sing, dance and celebrate Maxx's death  Maxx being the Wicked Witch of The East.

Enter The West Witch

Witch: Gimme my slippers.
Dorothy: No
Witch : I'll get you my pretty, and your little wolverine too!

Witch disappears.

Dorothy:  I want to go home.
Glenda:  Then see the Wizard of Oz. In Tuzanor.
Dorothy:  Where's that?
Glenda: Just follow the gold-pressed latinum road.
Dorothy: K.

Her and Toto start walking 'till they come to a fork in the road.
Literally a fork in the road.
A huge fork sticking out of the ice rink.
They see a scarecrow.

Chamber as Scarecrow: I don't care which way you go. GET ME DOWN!!
Dorothy: I want to go to Tuzanor. So I can go home.
Scarecrow: I wanna face. Y'don't 'ere me complanin!
Dorothy: Then sing about it.
Scarecrow: I don't sing.
Dorothy: Then do a little dance about it.
Scarecrow: Bloody 'ell, I don't dance!!
Dorothy: I'm going to Tuzanor.  The wizard is going to take me home. Maybe he can give you your face back!
Scarecrow: (Shrug) Per'aps.
Toto: Woof.

Dorothy, Scarecrow and Toto go to Tuzanor City.

They come across a Tin Man.

Data as The Tin Man:  I am the Tin Man.  I am in need of emotions.
Dorothy: Well, maybe you can come with us to Tuzanor.  The wizard is going to take me home, and give Scarecrow a face.  Maybe he can give you emotions, too.
The Tin Man:  Very well.  I will join you.
Dorothy:  Wait.  You have to sing about it first.
Picard (in audience): And dance!
Riker (in audience): But, sir...
Picard (in audience): Damnit man, don't contradict me!
The Tin Man:  Very well.  I will sing.  But I am in need of a dance partner.

Everyone looks towards Chamber.. er.. Scarecrow

Scarecrow:  That's it, I'm outta here.

Scarecrow walks off the set.

Director Phong:  What are you doing, my son?
Scarecrow: I don't sing.  I don't dance.  I don't know wot the 'ell I'm doin' 'ere.
Director Phong:  For the sake of the children!

Scarecrow turns to leave.

Phong(sighs): Very well.  You will be amptly compensated.
Scarecrow: Spell it out.
Director Phong: Money.  'M'. 'O'. 'N'. 'E'. 'Y'.

Scarecrow stands up straight, straightens his jacket and looks directly at Phong:  For the sake of the children.

Scarecrow walks back onto the stage, a man with a mission.

He walks back on just as we hear the fading notes of "If I Only Had Emotions"

Dorothy: Where did you sulk off to?
Scarecrow: Uh... 'ad ter be reminded o' th' finer things in life.
Toto:Woof.
Tin Man: Let us be off.

They continue on their way to Tuzanor (aka The City Of Sorrows)

They are walking through a forest.

Dorothy:  I think I heard something!
Tin Man:  It sounded like a lion.

Dorothy: I could have SWORN I heard a LION!

Tin Man: Yes, I too could have sworn I heard a LION.

They stand around for 10 minutes.

Director Phong:  This is a disaster!  Where is the Cowardly Lion?!  Grunge!  Where are you?  You are holding up production!

Cut to Grunge's Tent. (Yes, they have tents... where else are they supposed to sleep?)

Grunge has passed out on his bed, a half-empty bottle of vodka in his hand and several empty ones on the floor.

Back to a high school theatre near you.

Director Phong:  That's it.  We're done for the day!  That's a wrap, people.  Back tomorrow bright and early!

The kids start crying and everyone leaves the theatre.

We will finish this.
It's just a 2-parter.
That's all.

Back to Bill.